Hello! It’s wonderful to have you here. Though we’ve just met, consider yourself my best friend, and I’m already so happy you’re here. I’m the dog, and I’d be delighted to give you a tour of my domain. This is where I keep my treasured toys, my delicious food, and, of course, my pet humans. Since you’re my best friend now, you’ll be living here too!
I’m proud to say I own this house. It’s true, I don’t know the first thing about mortgages, and my name is more of a suggestion than a command – I answer to pretty much everything and nothing about 85% of the time! You can call me whatever you like, just don’t be late with dinner, or I might question our friendship… just kidding, I could never love you less! Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, my home! You can easily tell it’s mine by the unique carpeting – a sophisticated arrangement of fur clumps that suggests a discerning eye for abstract art, perhaps a dog who owns a shaving kit but struggles with trash cans. It’s a look I achieve effortlessly through sheer existence.
This home is, in a word, perfect. They say, “Location, location…” I seem to have forgotten the third part, as a dragonfly just caught my attention. Oh, right! You’re my best friend! That’s what they always say.
By the front door, you’ll spot a doormat. It’s a nice gesture, but I prefer to prepare my paws for the real wiping station: the wall! While you might find wiping paws on a vertical surface, defying gravity, a tad inconvenient, I assure you it’s all part of my artistic process. Shall we move on to the living room?
The living room is, specifically, the end of the couch. This was once reserved for my pet humans’ feet, but I’ve gently guided them to understand its true purpose – my art studio! It’s a cozy space, perfect for my abstract creations. My primary medium? My pet humans’ pillows. However, I’ve recently embarked on my “Sock Series,” which boldly explores the existential question: “What happens to a sock when it gains a large, intentional hole?”
If we remain here, you’ll discover my dining room, which, conveniently, is also my living room. I dine exclusively from this particular corner of the sofa. It’s highly efficient to utilize this area for both my artistic endeavors and my meals, even though a perfectly spacious kitchen exists. Besides, the delightful crumbs on my “dining table” serve as an excellent midnight snack when I’m resisting bedtime. Sleeping is, frankly, overrated. When I can’t sleep, I try counting sheep, but then I get peckish and wake up running into vases – there always seem to be so many vases!
Aaaaahhhhhh! Oh, my apologies! You paused the petting for a moment, and I genuinely thought you’d passed on. Now, let’s proceed to the bedroom.
My bedroom is right here – the bottom half of this enormous bed. You’ll notice I have a cushioned crate, perfectly sized for… circling and howling in! I find this ritual incredibly calming, my personal “Calm” app. Then, I leap onto my real bed, where I slumber soundly, secure in the knowledge that my pet people are content on the couch. They spend their days rubbing their shoulders, clearly missing the blissful pressure sleep provides their necks, eagerly anticipating bedtime to repeat the cycle. I adore them, and I express this affection by sneezing on them and barking ferociously if they dare pay attention to my number one enemy – their phones!
We haven’t visited the bathroom yet. Technically, this is a two-bedroom, one-bath situation! And the bath? My dear friend, the entire house is the bath! It’s true! You can do anything, anywhere. That’s a toilet. And that’s a toilet. And that’s… well, actually, that’s my above-ground porcelain water bowl, so I’d really prefer you didn’t use that one.
Thank you so much for joining me on this tour! If you’d like to linger, I’m about to make direct eye contact while I engage in some personal grooming. I must politely request you don’t look away!
